


Fear and Loathing in the Ivory Tower

by Uakari



Category: Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicle
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Multi, email
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-08
Updated: 2013-11-08
Packaged: 2017-12-31 21:37:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1036664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Uakari/pseuds/Uakari
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Research/University AU done for KuroFai 2012 Olympics.  Efail.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fear and Loathing in the Ivory Tower

_**Received Feb 3 2012 16:03  
**_  
 **From:** “Yuuko Ichihara” ichihara.yuuko@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “Fay Fluorite” fluorite.fai@wuenschen.edu, “Fuuma Monou” monou.fuuma@wuenschen.edu, “Kamui Shiro” shiro.kamui@wuenschen.edu, “Arashi Kishu” kishu.arashi@wuenschen.edu, “Sorata Arisugawa” arisugawa.sorata@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:** “Seishiro Sakurazuka” sakurazuka.seishiro@vettech.wuenschen.edu, “Subaru Sumeragi” ssumeragi@vettech.wuenschen.edu  
 **BCC:** “Secretary Wonder Boy” watanuki.kimihiro@wuenschen.edu  
 **Subject:** Department-wide collaboration

Greetings to all and welcome to the start of what promises to be another fantastic semester. As discussed at the last faculty meeting, the university administration is pushing for each department to present a coordinated research effort in addition to our individual programs. This is something they are pushing across the entire campus, so despite our department’s varied research interests (from primate locomotor mechanics to serpentine sensory systems!), compliance is mandatory. However, though our focuses may span several genera and employ multiple different techniques in our exploration, I feel this can only be a boon for us in organizing a multifaceted, department-wide research effort.

Now, I must emphasize once again that even though the goal of this collaboration is to function as a side project for all of us, rather than a replacement for your primary lab projects, it is vital that it is taken seriously. To that end, any publications and grant monies spawned from this will count toward your obligations for the duration. If, however, you decline to participate or neglect to fulfill your responsibilities you shall be dipped in boiling oil and your entrails fed to the hounds of hell in the interest of maintaining equivalence in the workplace. Alternatively, you may answer to the board of directors and spend a few weeks cleaning the animal cages down in VetTech – I’m sure Seishiro would love another lab assistant.

The project itself will address the broad question of “How do chimpanzees and ruffed lemurs select their food?” by examining the different mechanics of food selection amongst the genera and comparing this to both the anatomy of the subjects and the properties of the food itself. To this end, I offer a broad outline of our tasks:

1.Compilation of background references. While I realize that most of you keep a working knowledge of these in your heads, I’m going to need a hard copy to appease the university research board. Also, let’s keep this heavy on Science and Nature references, people. The more we use, the more important and clever we seem to the board.

2.Data collection:

a.Experimental: Experimental data will be collected by myself, Arashi and Sorata, except where noted.

i. _Food selection and mechanics._ A number of food items (drawn from the literature and possibly the cafeteria, naturally) will be presented to our subjects. The occurrence of selection will be documented alongside different selection tests (color, smell, taste, touch, etc) and three-dimensional kinematic data on how the subjects grasp each item.

ii. _Food properties._ We will need to know both mechanical and chemical properties for each food item presented if we wish to gauge preference for hard, sweet, nutrition density, etc. Fuuma, I am leaving you in charge of this, as you have a good working relationship with Saiga in the chemistry department. Please keep on task – by now even the graduate students have learned that ammonia spills do not smell the least bit like a lit joint.

b. Anatomical:

i. _Tactile organs._ We need to know how many there are and how close they sit in relation to their neighbors in both chimpanzees and lemurs, as both of these influence sensory ability. Fay, this dovetails with your current project, so I am leaving this to you. I trust your lab will be able to accommodate the histology techniques for this. Please let me know if I am wrong – Dr. Bols over in pathology has taken a special interest in your work and has offered lab space if necessary. Just be careful not to let him get scalpel-happy. Or let your fingers get too close to his mouth.

ii. _Gustatory organs._ Again – how many are there and how are they arranged? Fuuma, the methodology here overlaps with both your and Fay’s work, but I feel you are more suited to this due to your work with taste in snakes.

iii. _Grasp morphology: Apical phalanges and fingerpads._ Kamui, I believe you have most of the osteological dataset needed for this already from your claw studies. Specifically, we need to know how chimps and lemurs fit in with the rest of your sample and how this relates to the grasp mechanics that come from the kinematic/kinetic studies. As for the fingerpads, we are going to need to know not only how they are arranged with regards to the underlying bone, but also how they deform during grasp on a clawed and non-clawed digit. You have substantial experience in creating finite element models for bending strength in claws, so I assume this can be easily applied to soft tissue models. We will be providing you with pressure data from grasping experiments, but the mechanical properties and shapes of the fingerpads are something you will have to work out on your own. Talk to VetTech about obtaining tissue samples for this, but keep in mind you will have to share them with Fay, so let’s be sure there isn’t a repeat of the marmoset fiasco again. Apart from being very upsetting to your lab assistants, the university has assured us that the appearance of _any_ biological tissue not specifically meant for consumption found mummified and surreptitiously placed in the communal wastebaskets will be considered grounds for immediate dismissal.

Please feel free to add or tweak aspects of this project, while keeping in mind that while I respect and admire resourcefulness, I will not tolerate dissent. A short summary with pilot data is requested by the committee for April 25th.

Arashi and Sorata have very graciously offered the use of their kinematic recording equipment, along with the galagos from their latest research project. Chimps will be arriving in our labs within the next few weeks. We will once again be working with our gracious vet techs from the animal labs. I’ve copied this email to them, as well as to our darling copy boy in the front office. Please refer all administrative questions to him.

Dr. Yuuko Ichihara  
Distinguished Professor  
Anatomy Department Chair  
Wuenschen University

 

* * *

_**Received Feb 3 2012 16:04  
**_  
 **From:** “Kimihiro Watanuki” watanuki.kimihiro@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “Yuuko” ichihara.yuuko@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:**  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** Re: Department-wide collaboration

I can’t help but notice that this proposal does not match the minutes I took at the last faculty meeting. Specifically, you’ve once again hijacked the entire project and driven it straight into primate territory – your own area of specialty.

I’ll be forwarding all complaining calls and visitors directly to you.

Kimihiro Watanuki  
Administrative Assistant to the Chair  
Department of Anatomy  
Wuenschen University

 

* * *

_**Received Feb 3 2012 16:06  
**_  
 **From:** “Yuuko Ichihara” ichihara.yuuko@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “Secretary Wonder Boy” watanuki.kimihiro@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:**  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** Re:Re: Department-wide collaboration

My dear, I have only the best interests of the department in mind. There are many strange and unusual creatures in the animal kingdom and primates - _primates_ , my dear, may be the strangest and most fascinating of them all.

Let’s trust my years of expertise and shiny “chairwoman” placard over your delicate constitution.

As for directing complaints to me – that’s fine. My ringer seems to be broken and my door jammed shut. I’ve called maintenance, but we all know how long it can take them to make their way around.

Dr. Yuuko Ichihara  
Distinguished Professor  
Anatomy Department Chair  
Wuenschen University

 

* * *

_**Received Feb 3 2012 16:10  
**_  
 **From:** “FUUMA” monou.fuuma@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “BOSS” ichihara.yuuko@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:**  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** Re: Department-wide collaboration

Watanuki tells me that you've barricaded yourself in your office again, so consider this my formal, written protest of this project. While I do know a hell of a lot about snake sensory systems, this does not change the fact that snakes and primates taste completely differently. I don’t know how much use I will be on this project.

And that incident was officially documented as an ammonia spill, so I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Fuuma Monou  
Assistant Professor  
Department of Anatomy  
Wuenschen University

 

* * *

_**Received Feb 3 2012 16:13  
**_  
 **From:** “Yuuko Ichihara” ichihara.yuuko@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “Fuuma Monou” monou.fuuma@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:**  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** Re: Re: Department-wide collaboration

Clearly you have a firm grasp of primate gustatory sensation, or you wouldn’t be able to taste the difference. I suggest you get some practice in, as you and Dr. Fluorite will be providing the bulk of the histological background for this project.

Dr. Yuuko Ichihara  
Distinguished Professor  
Anatomy Department Chair  
Wuenschen University

 

* * *

_**Received Feb 3 2012 16:14  
**_  
 **From:** “FUUMA” monou.fuuma@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “BOSS” ichihara.yuuko@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:**  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** Re: Re: Re: Department-wide collaboration

Your wish is my command…

Fuuma Monou  
Assistant Professor  
Department of Anatomy  
Wuenschen University

 

* * *

_**Received Feb 3 2012 16:14  
**_  
 **From:** “Arashi Kishu” kishu.arashi@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “Yuuko Ichihara” ichihara.yuuko@wuenschen.edu, “Fay Fluorite” fluorite.fai@wuenschen.edu, “Fuuma Monou” monou.fuuma@wuenschen.edu, “Kamui Shiro” shiro.kamui@wuenschen.edu, “Arashi Kishu” kishu.arashi@wuenschen.edu, “Sora” arisugawa.sorata@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:** “Seishiro Sakurazuka” sakurazuka.seishiro@vettech.wuenschen.edu, “Subaru Sumeragi” sumeragi.subaru@vettech.wuenschen.edu  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** Re: Department-wide collaboration

Just a quick reminder to all that Sorata is still out with a combination broken humerus and separated shoulder and probably will be for the foreseeable future. I feel like this is also a good time to remind you all that just because it is acceptable for a monkey to proposition his mate by hanging from the rafters and tossing fruit in their general direction does not make this same behavior acceptable or even broadly feasible for a human. Following this train of thought, I would like to request that all persons using our apparatus receive intensive training from myself and Mr. Sakurazuka.

Arashi Kishu  
Associate Professor  
Department of Anatomy  
Wuenschen University

 

* * *

_**Received Feb 3 2012 14:20  
**_  
 **From:** “Sakurazuka” sakurazuka.seishiro@vettech.wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “Ichihara” ichihara.yuuko@wuenschen.edu, “Fluorite” fluorite.fai@wuenschen.edu, “Monou” monou.fuuma@wuenschen.edu, “Blacklisted 1” shiro.kamui@wuenschen.edu, “Kishu” kishu.arashi@wuenschen.edu, “Blacklisted 2” arisugawa.sorata@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:** “Subaru-kun” sumeragi.subaru@vettech.wuenschen.edu  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** Re: Re: Department-wide collaboration

Following from Arashi’s email, I’m afraid that I have two pieces of news that might put rather a damper on this burgeoning frenzy of scientific pontification. Firstly, for reasons not entirely unrelated to Mr. Arisugawa’s absences, we are short three cameras, one computer, and a good portion of our Plexiglas habitat. In order to produce three dimensional kinematic data, especially on finger placements, we will need to replace at least two of the cameras and the computer. I suppose the chicken-wire enclosure might suffice, however, I am not optimistic about this, especially after the BamBam incident.

Secondly, I was promised that there would be no more animals with opposable thumbs of any sort after said BamBam incident. I believe, in fact, there was discussion of some avian subjects.

I also believe there was discussion of an increase in my wages.

Please advise.

Seishiro Sakurazuka  
Head of Animal Research  
Department of Veterinary Technology

 

* * *

_**Received Feb 3 2012 14:20  
**_  
 **From:** “Kamui Shiro”  
 **To:** “Yuuko” ichihara.yuuko@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:** “Bastard” monou.fuuma@wuenschen.edu  
 **BCC:** “Admin” watanuki.kimihiro@wuenschen.edu  
 **Subject:** FORMAL COMPLAINT

Fuuma is licking me.

Please advise.

Kamui Shiro  
Associate Professor  
Department of Anatomy  
Wuenschen University

 

* * *

_**Received Feb 3 2012 14:25  
**_  
 **From:** “Yuuko Ichihara” ichihara.yuuko@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “Sakurazuka” sakurazuka.seishiro@vettech.wuenschen.edu, “Fay Fluorite” fluorite.fai@wuenschen.edu, “Fuuma Monou” monou.fuuma@wuenschen.edu, “Kamui Shiro” shiro.kamui@wuenschen.edu, “Arashi Kishu” kishu.arashi@wuenschen.edu, “Sorata Arisugawa” arisugawa.sorata@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:**  
 **BCC:** “Secretary Wonder Boy” watanuki.kimihiro@wuenschen.edu  
 **Subject:** Re: Re: Re: Department-wide collaboration

This _is_ a problem. The department is currently running low on funds for new equipment and I doubt anyone is willing to part with their precious grant money. Perhaps we might be able to borrow some from another department… Fay – what about that surly physical therapist you seemed to be getting friendly with at the faculty holiday party? Didn’t he mention something about a kinematic set-up in between threatening to eviscerate everyone with the cocktail swords?

Dr. Yuuko Ichihara  
Distinguished Professor  
Anatomy Department Chair  
Wuenschen University

 

* * *

_**Received Feb 3 2012 14:26  
**_  
 **From:** “Yuuko Ichihara” ichihara.yuuko@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “Sakurazuka” sakurazuka.seishiro@vettech.wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:**  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** Re: Re: Re: Department-wide collaboration

My dearest Seishiro, we’ve been through this discussion so many times by now that I’m beginning to wonder if perhaps you derive some sort of philosophical high off the subject. You know very well that your wages will be increasing come September and the start of our new NSF funding. If you’re unhappy in the meanwhile, then I do suggest that you find new employment that is more suited to your needs.

It would be a shame to lose you now, however. Especially as this little beauty just arrived from the shelter and is need of a good home. I shall have to send him back if there’s no one to care for him…

Dr. Yuuko Ichihara  
Distinguished Professor  
Anatomy Department Chair  
Wuenschen University

**Attached File:** [woobie.jpg](http://img839.imageshack.us/img839/4830/woobielarge.jpg)

 

* * *

_**Received Feb 3 2012 14:26  
**_  
 **From:** “Sakurazuka” sakurazuka.seishiro@vettech.wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “Ichihara” ichihara.yuuko@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:**  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** Re: Re: Re: Re: Department-wide collaboration

Yes, of course madam. Your generosity shall not go unappreciated.

Seishiro Sakurazuka  
Head of Animal Research  
Department of Veterinary Technology

 

* * *

_**Received Feb 3 2012 14:27  
**_  
 **From:** “Fay” fluorite.fay@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “Yuuko” ichihara.yuuko@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:**  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** Re: Re: Re: Re: Department-wide collaboration

you must mean Kuro-tan XD I…he’s not really the collaborating type…

I’ll ask though – he does have a set-up, but he uses it mostly for reenacting sports injuries…

Fay D. Fluorite  
Distinguished Professor  
Department of Anatomical Sciences  
Wuenschen University

 

* * *

_**Received Feb 3 2012 14:27  
**_  
 **From:** “FUUMA” monou.fuuma@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “BOSS” ichihara.yuuko@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:**  
 **BCC:** “OFFICE BOY” watanuki.kimihiro@wuenschen.edu  
 **Subject:** Question

Kamui stabbed with a sloth claw. Can I go home?

Please advise.

Fuuma Monou  
Assistant Professor  
Department of Anatomy  
Wuenschen University

 

* * *

_**Received Feb 3 2012 14:29  
**_  
 **From:** “Fay” fluorite.fay@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “Kuro-sama” youou.kurogane@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:**  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** proposition

Kuro-sama~

any interest in collaborating with our department? we’re looking for a kinematic set-up and I know yours is both well-oiled and robust ;)

I’ll copypasta the premise and stuff you’d be involved in here for you:

“The project itself will address the broad question of “How do chimpanzees and ruffed lemurs select their food?” by examining the different mechanics of food selection amongst the genera and comparing this to both the anatomy of the subjects and the properties of the food itself.

_Food selection and mechanics._ A number of food items (drawn from the literature and possibly the cafeteria, naturally) will be presented to our subjects. The occurrence of selection will be documented alongside different selection tests (color, smell, taste, touch, etc) and three-dimensional kinematic data on how the subjects grasp each item.”  
drinks later?

Fay D. Fluorite  
Distinguished Professor  
Department of Anatomical Sciences  
Wuenschen University

 

* * *

_**Received Feb 3 2012 14:30  
**_  
 **From:** “Dr. Youou Kurogane” kurogane.youou@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “Idiot” fluorite.fay@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:**  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** Re: proposition

No way in hell. I have enough going on with my new student to keep me busy without having to worry about your witch of a director siccing monkeys on me or whatever it is she does.

I don’t know what you’re talking about. I told you not to email me that shit on this server. The last thing I need is the university getting hold of that and the dean coming down on my ass for carrying on an inappropriate relationship with a colleague.

Youou Kurogane  
Doctor of Physical Therapy  
College of Health Related Sciences  
Wuenschen University

 

* * *

_**Received Feb 3 2012 14:31  
**_  
 **From:** “Kurogane” shoryuusen@silverdragon.com  
 **To:** “Tche” touchy_feely@wizardnet.com  
 **CC:**  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** Drinks.

8:00

 

* * *

 

_**Received Feb 4 2012 12:56  
**_  
 **From:** Fay” fluorite.fay@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “Yuuko” ichihara.yuuko@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:**  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** Fwd: proposition

I don’t think he’s interested…

Fay D. Fluorite  
Distinguished Professor  
Department of Anatomical Sciences  
Wuenschen University

_____Youou Kurogane wrote:_____  
No way in hell. I have enough going on with my new student to keep me busy without having to worry about your witch of a director siccing monkeys on me or whatever it is she does.

 

* * *

_**Received Feb 4 2012 16:20  
**_  
 **From:** “Yuuko Ichihara” ichihara.yuuko@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “Fay Fluorite” fluorite.fai@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:**  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** Re: Fwd: proposition

He’s still mad about the holiday party, isn’t he? How sad. Perhaps I can talk a bit of sense into him. Do you know, offhand, if that darling Tomoyo is still doing her work study in their main office? I thought I remembered her and Sakura being close. If Sakura is not gone for the day, could you send her my way?

Dr. Yuuko Ichihara  
Distinguished Professor  
Anatomy Department Chair  
Wuenschen University

 

* * *

_**Received Feb 4 2012 16:30  
**_  
 **From:** Fay” fluorite.fay@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “Yuuko” ichihara.yuuko@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:**  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** Re: Re: Fwd: proposition

 not sure about Tomoyo but sakura is still working in the lab. Such a good little grad student LOL I’ll send her over :DDDDD

Fay D. Fluorite  
Distinguished Professor  
Department of Anatomical Sciences  
Wuenschen University

* * *

_**Received Feb 10 2012 08:13  
**_  
 **From:** “Dr. Youou Kurogane” kurogane.youou@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “Ichihara” ichihara.yuuko@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:**  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** This project of yours

You conniving witch. I now not only have my own student whimpering that I won’t work with his girlfriend’s advisor, but the department secretary threatening to report me to the academic council for antisocial tendencies. What kind of sick blackmail is this, anyway? Your department can use my apparatus for all I care, but there had damned well better be well-trained professionals operating it and I WILL be reimbursed for any damage.

Youou Kurogane  
Doctor of Physical Therapy  
College of Health Related Sciences  
Wuenschen University

 

* * *

_**Received Feb 13 2012 13:42  
**_  
 **From:** “Yuuko Ichihara” ichihara.yuuko@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “That nice young man with the pointy ‘ol cocktail sword” youou.kurogane@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:**  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** Re: This project of yours

I am so sorry to hear of your grad student’s woes. Truly, young love is always trying, and doubly so in academia. However, I do see a possible solution to both of your complaints in this: why not include your student in the project? I can arrange for he and Sakura to assist in experimental data collection, which will hopefully both put an end to the whimpering and assure that a well-trained profession is operating your machinery. Win-win, yes?

I’ll be in touch with Tomoyo to let her know.

PS: are you sure you should be sending things like this over the school’s email server?

Dr. Yuuko Ichihara  
Distinguished Professor  
Anatomy Department Chair  
Wuenschen University

 

* * *

_**Received Feb 13 2012 13:46  
**_  
 **From:** “Dr. Youou Kurogane” kurogane.youou@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “Ichihara” ichihara.yuuko@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:**  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** Re: Re: This project of yours

I am NOT interested in including my student in any of this.

Youou Kurogane  
Doctor of Physical Therapy  
College of Health Related Sciences  
Wuenschen University

 

* * *

**_Received Feb 16 2012 10:26  
_**  
 **From:** “Yuuko Ichihara” ichihara.yuuko@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “That nice young man with the pointy ‘ol cocktail sword” youou.kurogane@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:**  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** Re: Re: Re: This project of yours

I assure you, that is most immaterial.

So _nice_ to have you both on board, Doctor.

Dr. Yuuko Ichihara  
Distinguished Professor  
Anatomy Department Chair  
Wuenschen University

 

* * *

_**Received Mar 7 2012 11:37  
**_  
 **From:** “Subaru Sumeragi” sumeragi.subaru@vettech.wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “Yuuko Ichihara” ichihara.yuuko@wuenschen.edu, “Fay Fluorite” fluorite.fai@wuenschen.edu, “Fuuma Monou” monou.fuuma@wuenschen.edu, “Kamui Shiro” shiro.kamui@wuenschen.edu, “Arashi Kishu” kishu.arashi@wuenschen.edu, “Sorata Arisugawa” arisugawa.sorata@wuenschen.edu, “Youou Kurogane” kurogane.youou@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:** “Sei-chan” sakurazuka.seishiro@vettech.wuenschen.edu, “Watanuki” watanuki.kimihiro@wuenschen.edu  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** The chimps have arrived!

Greetings to all.

I’m very excited to announce that the chimpanzees have arrived in the lab and have begun their training. Seishiro and myself would like to extend an invitation to you all to work with us (by appointment, of course) to habituate them to our laboratory. If you’re interested, please shoot me an email and I’ll do my best to find a time that suits us both.

One thing of note, that we’re not sure about just yet, but might prove problematic: both seem to have been raised with the same name (which is kind of a bizarre coincidence, seeing as they came from the same breeder). So, they both answer to Mokona, for now. We’ll be working out the best way to differentiate them as the days move onward.

I took pictures!

Hope to hear from you soon,

Subaru Sumeragi  
Animal Research Specialist  
Department of Veterinary Technology

**Attached File:** [Mokona.jpg](http://img29.imageshack.us/img29/448/mokonaa.jpg)

 

* * *

_**Received Mar 7 2012 11:41  
**_  
 **From:** “Arashi Kishu” kishu.arashi@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “Yuuko Ichihara” ichihara.yuuko@wuenschen.edu, “Fay Fluorite” fluorite.fai@wuenschen.edu, “Fuuma Monou” monou.fuuma@wuenschen.edu, “Kamui Shiro” shiro.kamui@wuenschen.edu, “Sora” arisugawa.sorata@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:** “Seishiro Sakurazuka” sakurazuka.seishiro@vettech.wuenschen.edu, “Subaru Sumeragi” sumeragi.subaru@vettech.wuenschen.edu, kurogane.youou@wuenschen.edu  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** Re: The chimps have arrived!

This is fantastic news. Though I agree a bit strange about the names…is that going to be a problem for training?

How does next Monday at 2pm work?

Arashi Kishu  
Associate Professor  
Department of Anatomy  
Wuenschen University

 

* * *

_**Received Mar 7 2012 11:43  
**_  
 **From:** “Subaru Sumeragi” sumeragi.subaru@vettech.wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “Yuuko Ichihara” ichihara.yuuko@wuenschen.edu, “Fay Fluorite” fluorite.fai@wuenschen.edu, “Fuuma Monou” monou.fuuma@wuenschen.edu, “Kamui Shiro” shiro.kamui@wuenschen.edu, “Arashi Kishu” kishu.arashi@wuenschen.edu, “Sorata Arisugawa” arisugawa.sorata@wuenschen.edu, kurogane.youou@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:** “Sei-chan” sakurazuka.seishiro@vettech.wuenschen.edu, “Watanuki” watanuki.kimihiro@wuenschen.edu  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** Re: Re: The chimps have arrived!

I’m not sure yet…so far Seishiro has been calling them “Oi” and “You” and things seem to be going alright. That’s not terribly kosher for best practices though… We’ll figure something out!

2pm works just fine – see you then.

Subaru Sumeragi  
Animal Research Specialist  
Department of Veterinary Technology

 

* * *

_**Received Mar 7 2012 11:48  
**_  
 **From:** “FUUMA” monou.fuuma@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “SUMERAGI” sumeragi.subaru.vettech@wuenschen.edu, “BOSS” ichihara.yuuko@wuenschen.edu, “FINGERS” fluorite.fai@wuenschen.edu, “DINNER” shiro.kamui@wuenschen.edu, “MA’AM” kishu.arashi@wuenschen.edu, “SORA-CHAN” arisugawa.sorata@wuenschen.edu, kurogane.youou@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:** “BRO” sakurazuka.seishiro@vettech.wuenschen.edu, “OFFICE BOY” watanuki.kimihiro@wuenschen.edu  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** Re: Re: The chimps have arrived!

What the hell kind of a name is Mokona? Sounds like something Yuuko would come up with… Did I tell you she tried to name the cobras I had last year Stripping and Streaking? For the love of… Hear she ended up calling her damned rabbits something similar though. No hope. None at all.

Anyway, how bout I come down Monday with Arashi?

Fuuma Monou  
Assistant Professor  
Department of Anatomy  
Wuenschen University

 

* * *

_**Received Mar 7 2012 11:51  
**_  
 **From:** > “Yuuko Ichihara” ichihara.yuuko@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “Fuuma Monou” monou.fuuma@wuenschen.edu, “Subaru Sumeragi” sumeragi.subaru.vettech@wuenschen.edu, “Fay Fluorite” fluorite.fai@wuenschen.edu, “Kamui Shiro” shiro.kamui@wuenschen.edu, “Arashi Kishu” kishu.arashi@wuenschen.edu, “Sorata Arisugawa” arisugawa.sorata@wuenschen.edu, “That nice young man with the pointy ‘ol cocktail sword” kurogane.youou@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:** “Seishiro Sakurazuki” sakurazuka.seishiro@vettech.wuenschen.edu, “Secretary Wonderboy” watanuki.kimihiro@wuenschen.edu  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** Re: Re: Re: The chimps have arrived!

Fools. As if there is any such thing as coincidence in this world. All names imbue their subjects with power, and as such, I specifically requested both of our chimps to possess names of god-like integrity. Is there something wrong with wanting the best? No? I thought not.

I’ll be down in 5 minutes.

Dr. Yuuko Ichihara  
Distinguished Professor  
Anatomy Department Chair  
Wuenschen University

 

* * *

_**Received Mar 7 2012 11:52  
**_  
 **From:** “Fay” fluorite.fay@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “Subaru” sumeragi.subaru@vettech.wuenschen.edu, “Yuuko” ichihara.yuuko@wuenschen.edu, “Fuuma” monou.fuuma@wuenschen.edu, “Kamui” shiro.kamui@wuenschen.edu, “Arashi” kishu.arashi@wuenschen.edu, “Sorata” arisugawa.sorata@wuenschen.edu, “Kuro-chi” Kurogane.youou@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:** “Seishiro” sakurazuka.seishiro@vettech.wuenschen.edu, “Watanuki” watanuki.kimihiro@wuenschen.edu  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** Re: Re: The chimps have arrived!

ZOMGWTFBBQ

I THOUGHT THEY WERENT COMING FOR ANOTHER WEKK

~*WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAI*~

IM COMING DOWN W/ YUUKO

Fay D. Fluorite  
Distinguished Professor  
Department of Anatomical Sciences  
Wuenschen University

 

* * *

_**Received Mar 7 2012 11:53  
**_  
 **From:** “Dr. Youou Kurogane” kurogane.youou@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “Idiot” fluorite.fay@wuenschen.edu, sumeragi.subaru@vettech.wuenschen.edu, “Ichihara” ichihara.yuuko@wuenschen.edu, monou.fuuma@wuenschen.edu, shiro.kamui@wuenschen.edu, kishu.arashi@wuenschen.edu, arisugawa.sorata@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:** sakurazuka.seishiro@vettech.wuenschen.edu, watanuki.kimihiro@wuenschen.edu  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** Re: Re: Re: The chimps have arrived!

Look, I get that you’re all happy and at least partially insane, but you could NOT Reply All and fill my inbox with nonsense? I have students that need my attention.

Youou Kurogane  
Doctor of Physical Therapy  
College of Health Related Sciences  
Wuenschen University

 

* * *

_**Received Mar 7 2012 11:54  
**_  
 **From:** “Subaru Sumeragi” sumeragi.subaru@vettech.wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “Yuuko Ichihara” ichihara.yuuko@wuenschen.edu, “Fay Fluorite” fluorite.fai@wuenschen.edu, “Fuuma Monou” monou.fuuma@wuenschen.edu, “Kamui Shiro” shiro.kamui@wuenschen.edu, “Arashi Kishu” kishu.arashi@wuenschen.edu, “Sorata Arisugawa” arisugawa.sorata@wuenschen.edu, “Youou Kurogane” kurogane.youou@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:** “Sei-chan” sakurazuka.seishiro@vettech.wuenschen.edu, “Watanuki” watanuki.kimihiro@wuenschen.edu  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** Re: Re: Re: Re: The chimps have arrived!

So sorry!

Subaru Sumeragi  
Animal Research Specialist  
Department of Veterinary Technology

 

* * *

_**Received Mar 7 2012 11:54  
**_  
 **From:** “Arashi Kishu” kishu.arashi@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “Yuuko Ichihara” ichihara.yuuko@wuenschen.edu, “Fay Fluorite” fluorite.fai@wuenschen.edu, “Fuuma Monou” monou.fuuma@wuenschen.edu, “Kamui Shiro” shiro.kamui@wuenschen.edu, “Sora” arisugawa.sorata@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:** “Seishiro Sakurazuka” sakurazuka.seishiro@vettech.wuenschen.edu, “Subaru Sumeragi” sumeragi.subaru@vettech.wuenschen.edu, kurogane.youou@wuenschen.edu  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** Re: Re: Re: Re: The chimps have arrived!

My apologies.

Arashi Kishu  
Associate Professor  
Department of Anatomy  
Wuenschen University

 

* * *

_**Received Mar 7 2012 11:54  
**_  
 **From:** “FUUMA” monou.fuuma@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “SUMERAGI” sumeragi.subaru.vettech@wuenschen.edu, “BOSS” ichihara.yuuko@wuenschen.edu, “FINGERS” fluorite.fai@wuenschen.edu, “DINNER” shiro.kamui@wuenschen.edu, “MA’AM” kishu.arashi@wuenschen.edu, “SORA-CHAN” arisugawa.sorata@wuenschen.edu, kurogane.youou@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:** “BRO” sakurazuka.seishiro@vettech.wuenschen.edu, “OFFICE BOY” watanuki.kimihiro@wuenschen.edu  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** Re: Re: Re: Re: The chimps have arrived!

Sorry.

Fuuma Monou  
Assistant Professor  
Department of Anatomy  
Wuenschen University

 

* * *

_**Received Mar 7 2012 11:54  
**_  
 **From:** “Fay” fluorite.fay@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “Subaru” sumeragi.subaru@vettech.wuenschen.edu, “Yuuko” ichihara.yuuko@wuenschen.edu, “Fuuma” monou.fuuma@wuenschen.edu, “Kamui” shiro.kamui@wuenschen.edu, “Arashi” kishu.arashi@wuenschen.edu, “Sorata” arisugawa.sorata@wuenschen.edu, “Kuro-lin” Kurogane.youou@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:** “Seishiro” sakurazuka.seishiro@vettech.wuenschen.edu, “Watanuki” watanuki.kimihiro@wuenschen.edu  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** Re: Re: Re: Re: The chimps have arrived!

Sorry Kuro-boo :-*

Fay D. Fluorite  
Distinguished Professor  
Department of Anatomical Sciences  
Wuenschen University

 

* * *

**_Received Mar 7 2012 11:57  
_**  
 **From:** “Dr. Youou Kurogane” kurogane.youou@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “Idiot” fluorite.fay@wuenschen.edu, sumeragi.subaru@vettech.wuenschen.edu, “Ichihara” ichihara.yuuko@wuenschen.edu, monou.fuuma@wuenschen.edu, shiro.kamui@wuenschen.edu, kishu.arashi@wuenschen.edu, arisugawa.sorata@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:** sakurazuka.seishiro@vettech.wuenschen.edu, watanuki.kimihiro@wuenschen.edu  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: The chimps have arrived!

Goddamn it.

Youou Kurogane  
Doctor of Physical Therapy  
College of Health Related Sciences  
Wuenschen University

 

* * *

_**Received Mar 7 2012 14:18  
**_  
 **From:** > “Yuuko Ichihara” ichihara.yuuko@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “That nice young man with the pointy ‘ol cocktail sword” kurogane.youou@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:** “Seishiro Sakurazuki” sakurazuka.seishiro@vettech.wuenschen.edu, “Secretary Wonderboy” watanuki.kimihiro@wuenschen.edu  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: The chimps have arrived!

Such a whiny thing.

You have an appointment in the animal labs with Dr. Fluorite and both of your graduate students set for Wednesday at 4pm. Don’t be late~

Dr. Yuuko Ichihara  
Distinguished Professor  
Anatomy Department Chair  
Wuenschen University

 

* * *

_**Received Mar 12 2012 16:45  
**_  
 **From:** “Dr. Youou Kurogane” kurogane.youou@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “Ichihara” ichihara.yuuko@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:**  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:**  Resignation

I’m done. There is absolutely no way in hell I am continuing with this, antisocial tendencies be damned. Neither of the animal trainers seem to have a clue in hell what they’re doing. The animals don’t respond to their names, but DO respond to gibberish shouted at them and eat my hair. Furthermore, your “vet tech” is insane and I refuse to work with him. If I wanted to be followed around and leered at by a psychopath, I would go hang out at the local bar.

Also, someone needs to take that bird away from him. Its talons are razor sharp and he refuses to leash it.

Youou Kurogane  
Doctor of Physical Therapy  
College of Health Related Sciences  
Wuenschen University

 

* * *

_**Received Mar 13 2012 9:25  
**_  
 **From:** “Yuuko Ichihara” ichihara.yuuko@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “That nice young man with the pointy ‘ol cocktail sword” youou.kurogane@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:**  
 **BCC:** “Fay Fluorite” fluorite.fai@wuenschen.edu  
 **Subject:** Re: Resignation

I’m not actually sure how one would go about leashing a bird. Surely Seishiro – a well-trained professional – would know more about this than yourself?

At any rate, I am afraid that backing out now is impossible. You’ve already gone to the trouble of installing the kinematic equipment and I can’t get it out on my own. You’ll simply have to tough it out.

Dr. Yuuko Ichihara  
Distinguished Professor  
Anatomy Department Chair  
Wuenschen University

 

* * *

_**Received Mar 13 2012 9:28  
**_  
 **From:** “Dr. Youou Kurogane” kurogane.youou@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “Ichihara” ichihara.yuuko@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:**  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** Re: Re: Resignation

I don’t do witches’ bidding.

Youou Kurogane  
Doctor of Physical Therapy  
College of Health Related Sciences  
Wuenschen University

 

* * *

_**Received Mar 13 2012 9:32  
**_  
 **From:** “Fay” fluorite.fay@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “Kuro-rin” youou.kurogane@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:**  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** WHAT

Kuro-sama? what’s wrong – I hear you want to quit I have to make a quick stopover in Yuuko’s office but then I’m coming over

Fay D. Fluorite  
Distinguished Professor  
Department of Anatomical Sciences  
Wuenschen University

* * *

**_Received Mar 13 2012 9:35  
_**  
 **From:** “Yuuko Ichihara” ichihara.yuuko@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “That nice young man with the pointy ‘ol cocktail sword” youou.kurogane@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:**  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** Re: Re: Re: Resignation

Truly, I am wounded. Do you kiss my employees with that mouth?

By the way, Fai tells me you have a soft spot for animals. What do you think of my pet rabbits?

Dr. Yuuko Ichihara  
Distinguished Professor  
Anatomy Department Chair  
Wuenschen University

**Attached File:** [maru&moro.jpg](http://img135.imageshack.us/img135/5185/marumoro.jpg)

 

* * *

_**Received Mar 13 2012 9:38  
**_  
 **From:** “Dr. Youou Kurogane” kurogane.youou@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “Ichihara” ichihara.yuuko@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:**  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** Re: Re: Re: Re: Resignation

I’m saving copies of all of this harassment. Stop emailing me.

Youou Kurogane  
Doctor of Physical Therapy  
College of Health Related Sciences  
Wuenschen University

 

* * *

_**Received Mar 13 2012 9:41  
**_  
 **From:** “Yuuko Ichihara” ichihara.yuuko@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “That nice young man with the pointy ‘ol cocktail sword” youou.kurogane@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:**  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Withdrawl

This is certainly not harassment by anyone’s standards. I just thought it was fair to inform you that either you or the rabbits would have to be present in the animal labs.

And, as you stated, those talons are razor sharp.

Dr. Yuuko Ichihara  
Distinguished Professor  
Anatomy Department Chair  
Wuenschen University

**Attached File:** [maru&moro2.jpg](http://img717.imageshack.us/img717/6919/marumoro2.jpg)

 

* * *

_**Received Mar 13 2012 9:41  
**_  
 **From:** “Yuuko Ichihara” ichihara.yuuko@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “That nice young man with the pointy ‘ol cocktail sword” youou.kurogane@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:**  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Withdrawl

  
Dr. Yuuko Ichihara  
Distinguished Professor  
Anatomy Department Chair  
Wuenschen University

**Attached File:** [maru&moro3.jpg](http://img16.imageshack.us/img16/6881/marumoro3.jpg)

 

* * *

_**Received Mar 13 2012 9:41  
**_  
 **From:** “Yuuko Ichihara” ichihara.yuuko@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “That nice young man with the pointy ‘ol cocktail sword” youou.kurogane@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:**  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Withdrawl

  
Dr. Yuuko Ichihara  
Distinguished Professor  
Anatomy Department Chair  
Wuenschen University

**Attached File:** [maru&moro4.jpg](http://img851.imageshack.us/img851/4236/marumoro4.jpg)

 

* * *

_**Received Mar 13 2012 9:41  
**_  
 **From:** “Dr. Youou Kurogane” kurogane.youou@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “Ichihara” ichihara.yuuko@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:**  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Withdrawl

FINE. I’ll be in on Wednesday.

Youou Kurogane  
Doctor of Physical Therapy  
College of Health Related Sciences  
Wuenschen University

 

* * *

_**Received Mar 13 2012 9:50  
**_  
 **From:** "Fay" fluorite.fay@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** "Yuuko" ichihara.yuuko@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:**  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** PHEW

don’t worry – I think I managed to talk some sense into him ROFLOL

I’ll make sre to bring in some toys or something to keep him occupied next time…

Fay D. Fluorite  
Distinguished Professor  
Department of Anatomical Sciences  
Wuenschen University

* * *

_**Received Mar 19 2012 17:15  
**_  
 **From:** “Sakurazuka” sakurazuka.seishiro@vettech.wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “Ichihara” ichihara.yuuko@wuenschen.edu,  
 **CC:**  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** Leave of Absence

Dearest Madam:

You will find my official notice in your box, but I believe, having very much enjoyed our work relationship thus far, that I should enumerate my specific reasons for taking a leave of absence squarely in the middle of the semester. As you know, there is the ever-present matter of my compensation – it is simply not sufficient for the level of potential bodily harm I place myself in the way of each and every day. Bearing directly on this is your recent acquisition of the gentleman I will hereafter refer to as “Thuggish Brute #1” and his graduate student “Thuggish Brute #2.” While I am no doubt sure they are lovely employees by any other measure, the addition of wooden katanas (by your own Dr. Fluorite, nonetheless!) into the animal labs has rendered me completely unable to interact with them. Honestly, if I wanted to be accosted by an over-sized baboon and his stick, I would have never insisted that we get rid of BamBam. (At least BamBam could be placed in isolation – Thuggish Brute #1 refuses even to return to his office when I demand it. AND he’s taken to wearing full body armor in the presence of my winged beauties – I’ve never seen such disrespect.)

Unfortunately, the combination of these has all just become too much at the moment, and I am taking a well-deserved rest during which I plan to fully train this lovely specimen you gifted me in the art of the hunt. Please take care of Subaru-kun in my absence – he was looking a bit wibbly when I left him this afternoon.

Seishiro Sakurazuka  
Head of Animal Research  
Department of Veterinary Technology

 

* * *

_**Received Mar 20 2012 10:16  
**_  
 **From:** “Kimihiro Watanuki” watanuki.kimihiro@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “Yuuko” ichihara.yuuko@wuenschen.edu, “Fay” fluorite.fay@wuenschen.edu, “Youou Kurogane” Kurogane.youou@wuenschen.edu, “Sakura Kinomoto” kinomoto.sakura@wuenschen.edu, “Syaoran” li.syaoran@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:**  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** Lab session cancellation

VetTech just called – they’re sending Subaru home for the day, so they’ll need to reschedule your lab time. I went ahead and penciled you all in for 1pm on March 26th. Please contact them if this will not work.

Regards,

Kimihiro Watanuki  
Administrative Assistant to the Chair  
Department of Anatomy  
Wuenschen University

 

* * *

**_Received Mar 26 2012 11:50  
_**  
 **From:** “Fay” fluorite.fay@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “Kuro-sex” kurogane.youou.wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:**  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** Lunch?

Kuro-samaaaaaaaaaa~ the department is empty and I can’t eat by myself ;;__;; will you come over and keep me company? :DDD

Fay D. Fluorite  
Distinguished Professor  
Department of Anatomical Sciences  
Wuenschen University

 

* * *

_**Received Mar 26 2012 11:52  
**_  
 **From:** “Dr. Youou Kurogane” kurogane.youou@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “Idiot” fluorite.fay@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:**  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** Re: Luch?

You _can_ eat by yourself, you just _won’t._ Kind of like how you refuse to use proper punctuation in your emails, even though the right keys are THERE at your fingertips.

We’re supposed to be meeting up with the kids in an hour. This had better be actual _lunch_ and not code for something strange again. I am still trying to get the stains out of my track pants.

And get rid of that ridiculous tag for me in your address book. People can see that.

Youou Kurogane  
Doctor of Physical Therapy  
College of Health Related Sciences  
Wuenschen University

 

* * *

_**Received Mar 26 2012 11:56  
**_  
 **From:** “Fay-sex” fluorite.fay@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “Kuro-no fun” kurogane.youou.wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:**  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** Re:Re: Lunch

Is that a yes? :3

PS: of course its “actual lunch” – what do you take me for?

PSS: I made “actual’ salmon rolls

PSSS: Seishiro and his bird are out for the afternoon so you don’t need to gird your loins – leave the armor at home

Fay D. Fluorite  
Distinguished Professor (and all around very serious person)  
Department of Anatomical Sciences  
Wuenschen University

 

* * *

_**Received Mar 26 2012 12:02  
**_  
 **From:** “Dr. Youou Kurogane” kurogane.youou@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “Idiot” fluorite.fay@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:**  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** Re:Re:Re: Lunch?

Fine.

Give me five minutes.

Youou Kurogane  
Doctor of Physical Therapy  
College of Health Related Sciences  
Wuenschen University

 

* * *

_**Received Mar 26 2012 12:03  
**_  
 **From:** “Fay-sex” fluorite.fay@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “Kuro-easily tempted” kurogane.youou.wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:**  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** Re:Re:Re:Re: Lunch

but it only takes 3 to get the armor off…

O_o

_Works cited:  
Fluorite, 2012. Effective disrobing technique for use on a grumpy Sports Therapist. Nature. 689(2); 58-59_

Fay D. Fluorite  
Distinguished Professor  
Department of Anatomical Sciences  
Wuenschen University

 

* * *

_**Received Mar 26 2012 12:05  
**_  
 **From:** “Dr. Youou Kurogane” kurogane.youou@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “Idiot” fluorite.fay@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:**  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** Re:Re:Re:Re:Re: Lunch?

For the last time, would you _not_ send shit like this on the school’s email system?

Youou Kurogane  
Doctor of Physical Therapy  
College of Health Related Sciences  
Wuenschen University

 

* * *

_**Received Mar 26 2012 12:07  
**_  
 **From:** “Dr. Fayus Fluoritius” fluorite.fay@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “Dr. Kurogane Von Grumpy Pants” kurogane.youou.wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:**  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re: Lunch

my deepest apologies ;;__;;

you know its already been 5 mins right? oh look there you are in the doorway

LOL <3

Fay D. Fluorite  
Distinguished Professor  
Department of Anatomical Sciences  
Wuenschen University

 

* * *

_**Received Mar 26 2012 13:13  
**_  
 **From:** “Sakura Kinomoto” kinomoto.sakura@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “Dr. Kurogane” kurogane.youou@wuenschen.edu, “Dr. Fluorite” fai.fluorite@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:**  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** Lab Assistance

Dear Drs. Kurogane and Fluorite,

Syaoran and I are in the lab as planned, but something is really wrong with Subaru. He’s crying on the floor and neither Syaoran or I can get any sort of response out of him. I’m really worried. I’m sure you’re both just running a little late, but the sooner you can get here the better!

Thank you!

Sakura Kinomoto, MA  
PhD Candidate  
Department of Anatomy  
Wuenschen University

 

* * *

_**Received Mar 26 2012 13:30  
**_  
 **From:** “Sakura Kinomoto” kinomoto.sakura@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “Tomoyo” daidouji.tomoyo@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:**  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** Dr. Kurogane

Dear Tomoyo,

Have you seen Dr. Kurogane this afternoon? Syaoran and I need his help in the lab, but we can’t get a hold of him. We’ve tried email and his phone, but only got voicemail. Is he hiding from Dr. Ichihara again?

Thank you!

Sakura Kinomoto, MA  
PhD Candidate  
Department of Anatomy  
Wuenschen University

 

* * *

_**Received Mar 26 2012 13:45  
**_  
 **From:** “Sakura Kinomoto” kinomoto.sakura@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “Dr. Ichihara” ichihara.yuuko@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:**  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** Dr. Fluorite

Dear Dr. Ichihara,

Have you seen Dr. Fluorite this afternoon? There is a problem down in the animal lab and we need his help. We’ve tried both his and Dr. Kurogane’s phones, but neither answered. Maybe he got sick or something?

Please let me know.

Thank you!

Sakura Kinomoto, MA  
PhD Candidate  
Department of Anatomy  
Wuenschen University

 

* * *

**_Received Mar 26 2012 13:52  
_**  
From: “Yuuko Ichihara” ichihara.yuuko@wuenschen.edu  
To: all contacts  
CC:  
BCC:  
Subject: Re: Dr. Fluorite

NRIGJE8U9FJI65454ergadsc43q F4RHAad512134malkmfdmjarjgjkmldsvaflkngr  
Af  
Agnja;erghnfdkcvm karlioioegjkmv  
3490redfskplmkmlfdogiritomlgkmqetihjo403wpkofds;lzc,mvkbgjjWIPOEK  
DFZLXAFJGITUOWpoekf:LKvjiothtdfsklzcvx;dksofthjbnmsdZX:

Dr. Yuuko Ichihara  
Distinguished Professor  
Anatomy Department Chair  
Wuenschen University

 

* * *

_**Received Mar 26 2012 13:53  
**_  
 **From:** “FUUMA” monou.fuuma@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “BOSS LADY” ichihara.yuuko@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:**  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** Re:Re: Dr. Fluorite

Uh, Yuuko, everything alright in there? Sounds like a parade of elephants stomping through. With trumpeting. And tap dancing.

Let me know if you need help moving something, ok?

Fuuma Monou  
Assistant Professor  
Department of Anatomy  
Wuenschen University

 

* * *

_**Received Mar 26 2012 13:53  
**_  
 **From:** “Sakura Kinomoto” kinomoto.sakura@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “Dr. Ichihara” ichihara.yuuko@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:**  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** Re:Re: Dr. Fluorite

Dear Dr. Ichihara,

I am so sorry. Of course it was inappropriate for me to expect you know where Dr. Fluorite might be. I can’t apologize enough.

Please forgive me.

Sakura Kinomoto, MA  
PhD Candidate  
Department of Anatomy  
Wuenschen University

 

* * *

_**Received Mar 27 2012 09:23  
**_  
 **From:** “Yuuko Ichihara” ichihara.yuuko@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** all contacts  
 **CC:**  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** Please disregard previous communication

To all concerned:

My deepest apologies for that last email. It appears there was a break-in within the department, or at the very least to my office. Nothing was taken, but my desk appears to have been ransacked and my computer hacked. I’ve alerted campus security and they plan to be in and out all afternoon to investigate. If anyone has had anything go missing, please file a formal report at this time and we will do our best to compensate you in the meanwhile.

Also, it appears that the thieves have a taste for French prophylactics, as these were left scattered on my floor mat.

Please remain vigilant.

Dr. Yuuko Ichihara  
Distinguished Professor  
Anatomy Department Chair  
Wuenschen University

 

* * *

_**Received Mar 27 2012 09:24  
**_  
 **From:** “Fay” fluorite.fay@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “Kuro-naughty” Kurogane.youou@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:**  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** Hyuuuuuuu

Kuro-tan has a taste for expensive condoms, eh?

Fay D. Fluorite  
Distinguished Professor  
Department of Anatomical Sciences  
Wuenschen University

 

* * *

_**Received Mar 27 2012 09:25  
**_  
 **From:** “Dr. Youou Kurogane” kurogane.youou@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “IDIOT” fluorite.fay@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:**  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU

WHY WOULD YOU EVER THINK THAT IS APPROPRIATE TO SEND IN AN EMAIL. ON THE SCHOOL SERVER. ARE YOU INSANE?

THEY’RE NOT MINE. IDIOT.

GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE. NOW.

Youou Kurogane  
Doctor of Physical Therapy  
College of Health Related Sciences  
Wuenschen University

 

* * *

_**Received Mar 27 2012 09:26  
**_  
 **From:** “Fay” fluorite.fai@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “Kuro-fierce” Kurogane.youou@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:**  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** Re: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU

will I get a spanking? <33333

though if theyre not yours and theyre not mine then whose are they?

weird

O_o

Fay D. Fluorite  
Distinguished Professor  
Department of Anatomical Sciences  
Wuenschen University

 

* * *

_**Received Mar 27 2012 09:26  
**_  
 **From:** “FUUMA” monou.fuuma@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “BITEY” shiro.kamui@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:**  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** I told you

That the ticklers were a bad idea. Next time try not to get so carried away.

Fuuma Monou  
Assistant Professor  
Department of Anatomy  
Wuenschen University

 

* * *

_**Received Mar 27 2012 09:27  
**_  
 **From:** “Kaumi Shiro” shiro.kamui@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “Punching Bag” monou.fuuma@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:**  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** Re: I told you

Die in a fire.

Kamui Shiro  
Associate Professor  
Department of Anatomy  
Wuenschen University

 

* * *

_**Received Apr 2 2012 09:41  
**_  
 **From:** “Subaru Sumeragi” sumeragi.subaru@vettech.wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “Yuuko Ichihara” ichihara.yuuko@wuenschen.edu, “Fay Fluorite” fluorite.fai@wuenschen.edu, “Fuuma Monou” monou.fuuma@wuenschen.edu, “Kamui Shiro” shiro.kamui@wuenschen.edu, “Arashi Kishu” kishu.arashi@wuenschen.edu, “Sorata Arisugawa” arisugawa.sorata@wuenschen.edu, “Youou Kurogane” kurogane.youou@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:** “Sei-chan” sakurazuka.seishiro@vettech.wuenschen.edu, “Watanuki” watanuki.kimihiro@wuenschen.edu  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** News and apologies

Hi all. Please accept my most sincere apologies for the incident the other day. I must have eaten something funny for lunch and without Seishiro here in the lab, I think I overworked myself despite feeling ill. Everything is fine – thank you to those of you who stopped by the hospital ward, and especially to Kamui who brought me lunch all week. I don’t know what I would do without you all.

All of the equipment and software in the lab is now up and running and our Mokonas are finally comfortable enough to do some trial runs. Arashi and Yuuko will be running their first experiments on Thursday afternoon, but I’d like to extend an invitation to our graduate students (and anyone else who might be interested) to come down and work the chimps in the set up, just to get a feel for how things operate with actual subjects in the enclosures. If you’d like to come down after 1pm, I should have everything up and running and am happy to give you a walk through before actual experiments beging.

Hope to see you then,

Subaru Sumeragi  
Animal Research Specialist  
Department of Veterinary Technology

 

* * *

_**Received Apr 5 2012 13:01  
**_  
 **From:** “Sakura Kinomoto” kinomoto.sakura@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “Dr. Fluorite” fai.fluorite@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:**  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** Please come to the lab

Fay PLEASE. I don’t know what is happening here, but we need your help right away.

Sakura Kinomoto, MA  
PhD Candidate  
Department of Anatomy  
Wuenschen University

 

* * *

_**Received Apr 5 2012 13:12  
**_  
 **From:** “Fay D. Fluorite” fluorite.fay@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “Kuro-lin” kurogane.youou.wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:**  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** O___________________o

I know you’r busy, but you’ve got to get over here right away.

bring your armor

Fay D. Fluorite  
Distinguished Professor  
Department of Anatomical Sciences  
Wuenschen University

* * *

_**Received Apr 5 2012 13:12  
**_  
 **From:** “Fay D. Fluorite” fluorite.fay@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “Yuuko” ichihara.yuuko@wuenschen.edu, “Fuuma” monou.fuuma@wuenschen.edu, “Kamui” shiro.kamui@wuenschen.edu, “Arashi” kishu.arashi@wuenschen.edu, “Sorata” arisugawa.sorata@wuenschen.edu, “Watanuki” watanuki.kimihiro@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:**  
 **Subject:** ALL HANDS ON DECK

I need everyond down to the animal albs on the double. Code chutney

I REPEAT CODE CHUTNEY

Fay D. Fluorite  
Distinguished Professor  
Department of Anatomical Sciences  
Wuenschen University

 

* * *

_**Received Apr 5 2012 13:25  
**_  
 **From:** “FUUMA” monou.fuuma@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “NIBBLES” shiro.kamui@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:**  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** WHERE ARE YOU

GET DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW YOU COWARD.

Fuuma Monou  
Assistant Professor  
Department of Anatomy  
Wuenschen University

 

* * *

_**Received Apr 5 2012 13:26  
**_  
 **From:** “Kaumi Shiro” shiro.kamui@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “Punching Bag” monou.fuuma@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:**  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** Re: WHERE ARE YOU

Not a chance in hell. It’s the chairwoman’s mess – let her sort it out.

Have fun with the chutney.

Kamui Shiro  
Associate Professor  
Department of Anatomy  
Wuenschen University

 

* * *

_**Received Apr 5 2012 13:27  
**_  
 **From:** “FUUMA” monou.fuuma@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “NIBBLES” shiro.kamui@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:**  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** Re: Re: WHERE ARE YOU

THE CHAIRWOMAN IS DIRECTLY INVOLVED IN THE INCIDENT AND MAY IN FACT BE EXACERBATING IT.

ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOKONA?

Fuuma Monou  
Assistant Professor  
Department of Anatomy  
Wuenschen University

 

* * *

_**Received Apr 5 2012 13:32  
**_  
 **From:** > “Yuuko Ichihara” ichihara.yuuko@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “Secretary Wonderboy” watanuki.kimihiro@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:**  
 **BCC:**  
 **Subject:** URGENT

Hi Watanuki, sorry to bother you in the middle of your afternoon tea-making, but I’m afraid I’m going to need you to bring me the video camera from my office. We’re getting some excellent data down here, but unfortunately we’ve lost the video feed.

Bring Kamui with you.

Dr. Yuuko Ichihara  
Distinguished Professor  
Anatomy Department Chair  
Wuenschen University

 

* * *

_**Received Apr 25 2012 13:25  
**_  
 **From:** “Yuuko Ichihara” ichihara.yuuko@wuenschen.edu  
 **To:** “Fay Fluorite” fluorite.fai@wuenschen.edu, “Fuuma Monou” monou.fuuma@wuenschen.edu, “Kamui Shiro” shiro.kamui@wuenschen.edu, “Arashi Kishu” kishu.arashi@wuenschen.edu, “Sorata Arisugawa” arisugawa.sorata@wuenschen.edu, “That nice young man with the glorious backhand” kurogane.youou@wuenschen.edu  
 **CC:** “Seishiro Sakurazuka” sakurazuka.seishiro@vettech.wuenschen.edu, “Subaru Sumeragi” ssumeragi@vettech.wuenschen.edu  
 **BCC:** “Secretary Wonder Boy” watanuki.kimihiro@wuenschen.edu  
 **Subject:** Progress Report

Greetings again to you all. Now that tensions have cooled within the department, I feel it is particularly good timing that the university board approved our proposal earlier this morning. They were a bit hesitant at first, but after the success of Hopkins et. al earlier this year (here, for those of you that haven't read it: <http://phys.org/news/2011-11-poop-throwing-chimps-intelligence.html> ) and my showcasing of the fantastic bit of pilot data we managed to collect the other week, they unanimously agreed that our “Poo-Flinging in the Greatest of the Great Apes” is at once timely, well-merited, and strikingly avant-garde. (Also, we totally scooped those bastards at Emory, so congratulations on that as well).

I’d like to extend a special thank you to Dr. Kurogane in Physical Therapy, without whose magnificent backhanded toss I very much doubt we would have pulled through. We look forward to many fantastic months of working together with you.

And now one point of business. It seems the sociology department is in need of subjects for its own departmental project, “Fear and Loathing in the Ivory Tower: A Study in Collegial Communication in High Stress Environments.” As I am quite fond of their chair, Dr. Zagato, I have volunteered this department to surrender access to our email records for their perusal. I’ll expect you all to stop by my office to sign a waiver by the end of the day.

Don’t worry, Kurogane. I’ve already had Tomoyo sign one for you.

Congratulations once again and remember: humans are the strangest and most fascinating primate of all.

Dr. Yuuko Ichihara  
Distinguished Professor  
Anatomy Department Chair  
Wuenschen University

 


End file.
